HERMITOLOGY©

THE REUNION TOUR IS GONNA BE SWEET

2009-06-03T08:31:00.000-07:00

In the interim, you can find me here.

IT'S WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS

2009-05-24T00:28:00.000-07:00

JAPAN

2009-05-19T22:46:00.000-07:00

WE ALL CRAPPED OUR PANTS!

2009-05-19T10:19:00.000-07:00

Pooing in the pants while at the desk makes us much more productive!

THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING

2009-05-14T19:29:00.000-07:00

BROKENCYDE/WPC (FLIPPER ON DAISEY OF LOVE) 40 Oz Vid

This is the "musical" equivalent of the Pet Rock. 100% bullshit, yet people are dumb enough to want it.

It's such a steaming pile of talentless, steakheaded, misogynistic shit, I'm actually depressed. And not in the way that I'd be about other shitty bands (making money, gaining notoriety for everything but the actual "music" itself) but in the way that I'd be depressed about something like cancer or hate crime (things exist, thriving, and are irrefutably tragic.) I get the whole "if you don't like it, don't listen to it" thing, and I don't listen to it (unless the car-crash watching idiot in me clicks on a link I know I shouldn't) but it just blows my mind that a) people made this and thought it was a good idea, b) people actually support it rather than laughing it off, and c) these fucking zeroes are paying their rent by doing this.

Please make it stop. If telling 12-year-olds in neon t-shirts and asexual haircuts and pants to "get yo' sex on" is cool, I am not fucking cool. Not at all, thank you.

OVERHEARD IN ORANGE COUNTY: PART 2

2009-05-11T07:39:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, I did some Mother's Day shopping, got side-tracked (in my typical "one for you, one for me" shopping style--bad for the wallet, FYI), and stopped by a certain clothing store that rhymes with Turban Couch Shitters on the way to pick up something for Mom. The employ here are not sports fans. Like, at all. That doesn't mean they wont' fake it for the sake of conversation.

The following conversation happened at the register between me (in a Dodger hat) and an employee:

Clerk: What do you think about the whole Manny thing?

Me: I'm not surprised at all, and if there was a player dumb enough to get caught, it's Manny.

Clerk: It's like...yeah...I mean...I'm all, dude...it sucks.

Me: Yeah. They'll be OK while he's out. The NL West is pretty awful.

Clerk: It's like with Manny, I'm all...at least it's not like freakin' Mark McGrath when he broke Mantle's record and was on steroids.

Me: ...

TO-DO LIST

2009-05-06T12:40:00.000-07:00

1) Land on a human as many times as possible in an hour.

2) Lunch with friends at that new pile of shit in the yard.

3) Check out that new dead guy's nose.

4) Fuck something (maybe the back of that fat dude's neck.)

HEY, MERLIN...SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH YOUR WAND

2009-04-30T07:37:00.000-07:00

Some Shaman must have hit him with a "50˚ Ocean Swim" spell.

-1500 Manhood

*thanks to daniel for the tip. literally.

HITTING F5: ONE DAY AS A LION

2009-04-30T07:14:00.000-07:00

Fuzzy, nasty, distorted keys and synth FTW.

I got the One Day As A Lion EP when it came out, but I'd kinda forgotten about it (I think because it's only a five songs, I over-listened, and burnt myself out on it.) Yesterday, this song made an appearance the shuffle and the drums (tones and beat) made me listen to the intro 10 times in a row. It's glorious.

Jon Theodore is a beast. It's so nice to hear drums that sound like actual drums. Remember when that was cool?

I JUST REALIZED THAT IT MIGHT BE YOUR BIRTHDAY

2009-04-29T08:19:00.000-07:00

And if it isn't (which is probably the case), you may disregard this post, or maybe bookmark it so that when it is your birthday, you'll have something from me. You're welcome.

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG - VOL. 3

2009-04-27T23:59:00.000-07:00

Melissa misunderstood the true definition of "period piece" and received an F on her final project in Composition 101 during her first semester of Art School. She is now a stay-at-home mom.

SWINE FLEW

2009-04-27T08:35:00.000-07:00

Dustin Hoffman and Cuba Gooding Jr. will save us.

A COUPLE, TWO, TREE TINGS 'BOUT SOME STUFF

2009-04-23T08:03:00.000-07:00

You will buy this. You can buy it here. Do it. Do it now. Apparently, this is his "last release" (also a PC/dinner-table-safe code word for the dump I took yesterday morning), but that's what LPC has said before each of the past two releases, so let's hope it's he stays true to form and keeps cranking these out.

A preview:

Negative Feedback - Longmont Potion Castle

Eddie Money - Longmont Potion Castle
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I'm going to start lugging around a drum set with me everywhere I go, just in case somebody tells a joke.
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Incredibly slender at 6 ft 2 in, 162 lb., he was probably better known for his on-field and off-field antics than his pitching talent. He was arrested for cocaine possession in his native Dominican Republic between the 1983 and 1984 seasons and did not rejoin the Braves until May of 1984. Also a showboater, he often drew the ire of many of his opponents. He would use an imaginary finger gun to shoot opponents and would pound the baseball into the dirt on the mound. While it is customary for pitchers to walk back to the bench after completing an inning, he would sprint, with gold chains and Jheri-curls flapping in motion. He earned his nickname after missing a start on August 19, 1982 while circling Atlanta's Interstate 285 looking for Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium.

Watch this.

Cocaine's a hell of a drug.
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I'm going to my first Angels game of the year tonight. The season is barely two weeks old and it's already been the longest year I can remember, and I've been a fan for 30 years.

Let's recap.

John Lackey: DL
Ervin Santana: DL
Kelvim Escobar: 60 Day DL
Dustin Moseley: DL
Kevin Jepsen: DL
Darren Oliver: DL
Vladimir Guerrero: DL
Nick Adenhart: Deceased

Ugh.

I'LL TAKE THE NEXT TICKET TO ANYWHERE PLEASE

2009-04-22T22:28:00.000-07:00

I just returned to the U.S. and A. this week and had to vent briefly about a couple of things that annoy me that I don't see abroad - Bluetooth earpieces and neck tattoos.

Bluetooth - if you're driving and you absolutely need to talk to someone on the phone at that very minute, go for it. If you're sitting on a bench in a mall and wearing one, you're an ass. If your arm gets tired from holding the phone to your head, you're talking too long. In fact, forget the tired bit, you're talking too long.

Neck tattoos - if you feel the intense need to have "Fuck all the haters" inscribed on your neck in ye olde English script, then chances are there's a lot for "haters" to hate about you after all. And doesn't "Hate all the fuckers" just make more sense anyway?

Sorry I can't write any longer, but my Bluetooth batteries just ran out and the tattoo artist is confused about why I'd want "Hate fuck the fucking haters" inked in my armpit.

Lates!

THIS SONG IS IN WTF#

2009-04-22T09:13:00.000-07:00

Blame Bunch for the ringing in your ears.

ONCE I CLICK THIS THING IN, I'M GOING BALLS OUT...

2009-04-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

...watch me for the changes, and just try to keep up.

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG - VOL. 2

2009-04-15T13:26:00.000-07:00

A hooker I was having sex with kept screaming, "Fuck me like an animal!"

I didn't want to waste $40 (she had a mustache and a single tooth that looked like a Corn Nut), so I obliged.

Unfortunately, she wasn't specific about what kind of animal she was referring to, and the first animal that came to mind was a trout. (I had trout for dinner the night before.) Not wanting to disappoint, I quickly sprung off the bed, ran to the lake out back, dove in, and blew a load as close as I could get to the bottom without my ears hurting.

ONE...OOH...AH...EH...OOH...PAHTATA...UHH...

2009-04-15T06:36:00.000-07:00

BAD HAIR DAY/BAD FACE LIFE

2009-04-14T08:24:00.000-07:00

WHERE DOES ONE EVEN BEGIN?

2009-04-14T01:46:00.000-07:00

Name: Suzanne Hofstner
Favorite food: Things with cheese
Hair color: Blonde (well...)
Favorite article of clothing (tie): Rhinestone-studded belt and burgundy T-shirt/thong that snaps shut in her gooch
Hobbies: Photoshopping banners for Cavs games, poetry involving Brad Daugherty
Most common masturbatory themes: LeBron James, armed burglary, things with cheese
Number of cats owned: Eight
Number of times been so passed out at Cleveland area bars she doesn't remember who she slept with: unknown
Ultimate fantasy: Cavs win title as LeBron proposes to her naked on a horse
Favorite catch-phrase (four-way tie): Nothing can stop us now!, We are Cleveland!, You're in Our House Now!, What do you mean it's closing time, I just got here!

TOO SOON?

2009-04-13T19:52:00.000-07:00

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG

2009-04-13T17:34:00.001-07:00

"Use the fanny pack for small amounts of cash and other essentials."

Nigel Pantherbreast hurriedly dialed 911 after misreading "fanny pack" as a verb rather than a noun, in his new Travel Tips Handbook, hoping that the operator would be able to guide him through the painstaking task of removing 47 U.S. Dollars, a UK passport, a tube of medicated chapstick, and a handful of coins from his colon.

OOH LOOK, IT'S FUN WITH WORDS!

2009-04-11T09:31:00.000-07:00

This is a microphone. A mic, for short.

The present participle of mic, is micing. (Or at least that's how I've read it on multiple occasions.)

I cannot, for the life of me, keep the image of a studio engineer pouring a bucket of mice all over the instrument/amplifier/musician that requires said mic, when I read "micing" in print.

"Clark, what the fuck are you doing to that Fender Bassman?"

"Micing it?"

"..."

Please help.

I was micing this mousetrap to use as a snare sample when I realized that the mics were broken (and smelly).

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*Ball-tickling soulpatch not included.

The word "semantics" makes be think of a guy being really crazy with cum. Like maybe he has a weird hat on and those giant sunglasses and he's beat boxing or scat singing and flinging cum everywhere or drawing crude, cummy version of Picasso's Guernica on your mom's new comforter, and when she yells at him he does cummy jazz-hands and pretends to walk out of the room against the wind (like a mime).

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Leonardo DiCaprio, or "Leo" as people who want to seem cool would call him, would be a lot cooler if he'd go by "Nardo" or just "Nard". Forget that nards are what you used to call your awkward pubescent penis and balls back in the day, and think about how great NARD DiCAPRIO would look on a movie poster alongside BERT DeNIRO, and HOLAS CAGE.

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BLOG TIP #87953

Update your blog on the weekends when web traffic is at it's lowest. That way nobody will read the incoherent babble that you post.

BLOG TIP #98325

Capitalize on a large increase in readership by inexplicably falling off the face of the Earth for two to three weeks. That way nobody will ever come back.

SEPARATED AT BIRTH

2009-04-10T05:15:00.000-07:00

Is Brook Lopez actually mediocre character Matt Battaglia? You decide. Incidentally, big ups to Brook for making sure to wear the neoprene elbow sleeve on team photo day. It is important to always, I mean ALWAYS, keep your elbow warm. Eighteen-sided dice do not throw themselves.

CORCHIANI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-04-08T13:37:00.000-07:00

Chris Corchiani!

His armpit hair is a collection of cobras.
The mustache lying dormant below his upper lip makes Selleck quiver.
His legs are invisible when he wants them to be.
He invented the pond.
Vinny Del Negro ... ha!
Tom Gugliotta ... meh!

AS DOMINICAN AS APPLE...

2009-04-07T23:52:00.001-07:00

HOW DO YOU SPELL EXCITING AND NEW? "YANKEE"

2009-04-07T23:40:00.000-07:00

"Hey Ron, I've got some exciting news. We're putting you charge of the designing the new Yankees Stadium!"

"Oh that's just fantastic Hal! I'm got some great new ideas about how to make it totally different and..."

"Just make it exactly like the old one, but with cup holders at every seat."

ONE PINING MOMENT

2009-04-06T23:41:00.000-07:00

That was horrible. And I don't mean the blowout by the Tar Heels. I mean the level of basketball. Putrid. Unwatchable. That was the best that the college game has to offer? I'm sorry, all I saw was a parade of reaching fouls, clanked 3-balls, misdirected skip passes, and, oh yeah, some airballed 3-balls.

Every single rebound, there's a clumsy over the back attempt. Every offensive "set" devolves into: let the tiny point guard blow by his defenseless counterpart and either a) get fouled, b) brick the layup, or c) dish to a big man who either gets fouled or bricks the layup. Unwatchable. I cannot believe I'm saying this, but I think I'm done with college hoops.

The sad part is, the de-evolution has happened so fast. I remember watching the title game the last time UNC was involved, in 2005, and thinking that was two bad-ass teams making clutch plays. They looked like hoopsters. You had three bonafide NBA players in that game (DWill, Felton and Marv Williams) and three or four other guys who are still in the league. Now, I can't name one single player in this game who will be any better than a ninth man on an NBA team. At best. Hansborough? He's a freaking retard. I mean that in a nice way. But imagine Ewing, or Mourning, or Derrick Coleman, or even freaking Sean May, going up against him.

One of the MSU guys said after the game that Carolina would be able to beat the worst team in the NBA. That is so patently untrue. It's like saying I could beat Mats Wilander at tennis. The Clippers would beat UNC by 75 points. Seriously, by 75. I'm very sad, its the end of an era for sure. Congrats to Carolina for winning the JV tourney. I'll keep my memories of Sherman Douglas and Chris Corchiani thank you very much.

JOSH HARTNETT HAS SOME LOOSE MOOSE DEUCE JUICE IN HIS GOOSE CABOOSE

2009-04-06T08:25:00.000-07:00

Josh Hartnett's publicist re: the actor's recent gastrointestinal problems,

"They are running tests, which take time to get back and IT'S A PROCESS OF ELIMINATION."

So true. Solid double entendre. Much better than "It's a process of going poo poo."

This is why I am not a publicist.

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For what it's worth, the blog is not dead, it's just on the Disabled List at the moment (the 60-day, retroactive to March 23rd). I can't say when or if I'll be back posting regularly. I'm just way too busy with work-related things and extracurricular activities that trump spending a couple of hours in front of the computer everyday. In the meantime, I'll be doing random brain dumps via Twitter, which is basically a version of my old weekly brain diarrhea sessions. FYI: I don't use it for posting every mundane thing I do. I use it as a virtual notepad for random thoughts that would (in years past) be turned into scatter-brained blog posts. So follow me. Or don't.

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Say this three times fast without blowing it, and I'll buy you a thing.

JOSH HARTNETT HAS SOME LOOSE MOOSE DEUCE JUICE IN HIS GOOSE CABOOSE

BYNUM AND MORGAN TOGETHER AT LAST

2009-04-02T11:20:00.000-07:00

*Photo courtesy of Space Roach

CAN WE JUST STICK WITH ONE NAME PLEASE?

2009-03-31T08:50:00.001-07:00

As soon as the jokes about the name change from "The Anaheim Angels" to "The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim" started to get played out, Angels owner, Arte Moreno, had to go and change the name again.

LEBRON RACIST? I'M JUST SAYIN'...

2009-03-30T23:56:00.000-07:00

No Z, no Wally, no Sasha, no Andy

I PICKED SYRACUSE

2009-03-30T11:53:00.000-07:00

Like this handsome chap, my NCAA bracket is busted.

ROBOTIC PLATYPUS

2009-03-28T22:16:00.000-07:00

Inspiring.

ROBOTIC TORTOISE

2009-03-28T22:08:00.000-07:00

Faster than a non-robotic tortoise.

FEAR HAS A NEW NAME - MAN

2009-03-26T03:58:00.000-07:00

The Footstopple team from Bluphon 4 looks invincible this year. Juan Man (pictured) is their star.

I SURE DO LOVE THE TOURNAMENT!!!

2009-03-19T14:16:00.000-07:00

LIVE BLOGGORHEA - LAKERS v. WARRIORS

2009-03-19T13:17:00.000-07:00

Join us (me & perhaps our newest addition, Johnny Rick--if he hasn't been hit by a taxi on the mean streets of New Delhi) for our second Live Bloggorhea/Chat right here @ 7:30PM PT. Last week's edition was a "huge success", and by "huge success" I mean "I didn't have an open chat window open to talk to myself" (which is what happens in this house during normal Lakers games). If you're at all deterred by the "basketball" nature of the event, please know that last week's babblefest was barely basketball related. Grab a beverage or eight and hang out.

LIVE BLOGGORHEA - LAKERS v. WARRIORS

WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE INSTEAD OF ENTERING THREE MARCH MADNESS POOLS

2009-03-19T11:50:00.000-07:00

FLIES ADDICTED TO CRACK

2009-03-18T09:04:00.000-07:00

Very sad.

A QUICK PROGRAMMING NOTE - LIVE BLOGGORHEA

2009-03-18T08:13:00.000-07:00

What: Lakers v. Warriors on TNT - Live Blog Version 2.0

When: Thursday, March 20 @ 7:30PM (Pacific)

Who: Me, You, and Everyone we know

Where: Here

Why: Because what the fuck else do you have to do on a Thursday night?

CREE SUMMER HAS AGED SPECTACULARLY WELL

2009-03-18T03:41:00.000-07:00

NIGHTMARE FUEL FOR A TUESDAY EVENING

2009-03-17T15:54:00.001-07:00

(Ed. note: My good friend, Kyle Fresh, was the first to comment and instead of letting his genius rot in the graveyard that is out comment section, I took the liberty of adding it to the body of this post.)

-tony little's eyes are deader than the dead bear he did, does, and will rape.

-his roar eclipses any beast's, known or unknown. the ripple effect of his sonic thundergrind can powder femurs and blow a hole through the horsehead nebula.

-his nipples are 17½ inches. in diameter.

-he has twelve-sided testicles.

-his personal nordic lounge was so coated with semen it birthed an abdomenizer.

-the bear spent it's last 3 days alive with it's tongue trapped in tony's asshole by what tony described, loudly and repeatedly, as "the elevator repairman clutch".

-he makes a tremendous paella.

-he played drums on "hot for teacher".

-there's a cooler of zima next to the bed, a bag of peyote in the nightstand,and a terrified cambodian suspended from the ceiling. always.

-tony ripped out his pubes and had "master blaster" tattooed with unicorn blood in their stead. he killed it with a centaur while raping frankenstein.

-he is fucking beautiful.
-kyle fresh

HAPPY ST. PADDY'S!

2009-03-17T09:09:00.001-07:00

(Ed. note- Let's turn this into a captionfest in the comments. I'll go first.)

AG PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ DEDDY!!!!!!

2009-03-16T10:05:00.000-07:00

MY PET SQUIRREL HORATIO'S FAVORITE FUTBOL TEAM

2009-03-16T03:42:00.000-07:00

MAYBE THE MOST EXCITING WEBSITE EVER

2009-03-16T01:02:00.000-07:00

Excerpted from the Orange County, Florida Verizon wiretap research center...

Brian Cook: Hi, my name's Brian Cook, I'm a professional basketball player with the Orlando Magics. No wait, Magic. I'm a Magician. No a Magic Man. No, a Magic? Anyway, that's besides the point. I'm interesting in your...um...services.

Misti Lynn: Hi, Brian, you sound cute.

BC: Thanks. I get that. A lot. Anyway, Misti. Is that your real name by the way? My real name is Daryl. I was named after that robot kid in that movie where he flies the Lockheed SR-71 (which is the coolest plane ever, by the way) But I liked Brian better because it sounded more interesting. And it's just a coincidence that I'm a really good cook, too. Heh heh. Heh heh. Heh heh. He...Anyway, your services.

ML: I'm a webmistress and my charges are $400 per page.

BC: Okay, cool. I make like $3 million a year, which is a lot, I guess. So when you get here, what kind of things would you do to me, Mrs. Web Mistress?

ML: Are you familiar with the term webmistress?

BC: Um...yeah. Why do you think I called you. Duh? You use like chains and leather and all sorts of stuff like that. And I've been a bad boy because my coach says I don't play defense with enough intensity.

ML: I don't know who your coach is, but I'm not a dominatrix. I host people's websites.

BC: Host like Conan O'Brien hosts his own show? I love his show.

ML: Um, actually, I design and maintain people's websites, which I'm happy to do for you if you're interested in that service. I don't do anything with whips and chains and leather.

BC: I never said anything about whips. You're perverted. And you're name is Misty Lynn. You aren't into extra-marital sex for money?

ML: Look, do you need a website or not?

BC: Hmm, interesting proposal. BrianCook.com. I like it. Would there also be extra-marital sex afterwards?

ML: Just the website. I won't even ever meet you, if there is a god.

BC: Okay, let's do it. First things first, I've been on a lot of websites and what most of them are missing is a row of headshots of the person who the site is about. So I'd need a bunch of photos of me where only my head is visible.

ML: That's doable. Totally uninteresting, but doable.

BC: Are we done here?

ML: Yeah, I'll start working on this later this week, if you'll send me a list of all your accomplishments and email me some of these photos you want to upload. I'll also send you a P.O. Box where you can mail the payment. I work on retainer, payment upfront.

BC: You want a picture of my retainer? I haven't used it since 6th grade, but okay. So glad I kept it!

ML: Yeah, anyway, thanks for your interest in Misti Lynn Services.

BC: Okay, I know you don't like chains and leather and stuff. But do you know anyone who does?

ML: No.

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME

2009-03-16T00:50:00.000-07:00

You know how fun it is to leave the parking lot of your favorite local stadium/arena/Turkish bath? What with all the pleasantries, well-wishing and general bonhomie mixed with letter-perfect lane driving? Well, imagine that's how driving is all the time, 24/7/365. Welcome to India. Also, in the country next door, they shoot cricket players. Enjoy!

INTRODUCTION: JOHNNY RICK

2009-03-15T10:12:00.000-07:00

Johnny was a bamboo raft-making enthusiast who took things too far on one sojourn from landlocked Laos, floating down the Mekong River and into the South China Sea, past the turtles of Navarone and a flotilla of unkempt parakeets, until he drifted all the the way to an unguarded jetty in sunny Southern California and became a huge fan of Mike McGee and scrambled eggs. He now lives in India.

ERIC DEVENDORF - SYRACUSE

2009-03-13T23:33:00.000-07:00

USC 65, UCLA 55

2009-03-13T22:51:00.000-07:00

During USC's upset of UCLA, the following text messaging went on between myself and Bruce Magnum, one of two new additions (intros to come over the weekend) to the blogroll @ Hermitology©:

ER: I wonder if Jrue Holiday has ever jriven jrunk or jrawn a jragon before...

ER: He jribbles, jrink burrs, and wear a jrakkar noyear cullognee.

BM: I hope he don't jrouble jribble.

ER: I heard when he get sick on a boat, he take Jramamine...and he so fond of it, that he name his dawder dat.

BM: When he get pissed he just say "Jrat!"

ER: He don't even use a towel after he shower. He just jrip jry.

BM: His favorite type of bee is a jrone.

ER: He majorin' in jrama. He was gonna major in engine-earing, but he thought that would be too jrastic.

ER: Jrue's favorite movies are Durassic Park and The Derk.

Oh, and sorry, Jon.

FORBES POOREST LIST

2009-03-13T14:42:00.000-07:00

In the wake of the failing economy and Bernie Madoff, Forbes recently published its Poorest List. Pictured is Brad Schnatz, the world's seventh poorest man.

I'D LIKE TO BUY A VOWEL

2009-03-13T10:42:00.000-07:00

I had some shitty Swedish furniture delivered to the new apartment this morning, and (as usual) got a good laugh out of the absurdity of the furniture's name (Leksvik), which reminded me of a post-rock band called Bossk, which led to a Google search, which led me here...

A List Of Star Wars Characters

And then I spent ten minutes reading the list and laughing out loud, imagining a huge dork summit, roundtable brainstorming/namestorming session headed by George Lucas.

"Ward, why don't you come up with the next name?"

(with a mouthful of food) "OK. Hmm. How 'bout Borsk Feylya?"

"LOVE IT. Next?"

(someone sneezes)

"Hatchoo Blessew? LOVE IT. Let's keep going folks. Feeling some real positive energy in this room."

"Leonard, why don't you give it a go?"

"Dennis Fett."

"Pass."

"Hmm. How 'bout this. I'll dump this box of Alpha Bits on the ground, and we'll blindfold Ulysses and whatever letters he picks up, we use, in that order."

(dumps box)

"V...L...D...B...P...K...T...H...S...K"

"Vull DeBipkthsk. LOVE IT."

and so on...

I think there needs to be a game based on Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel's "Germany or Florida?" concept, that is "IKEA furniture, Star Wars Character, or Post-Rock Band?"

ROUND 1:

1) Tessek

2) Dalselve

3) Rukh

4) Yndi Halda

5) Anno Vacker

7) Bomull

8) Firmus Piett

9) Nadhar Vebb

10) Efterklang

LIVE BLOGORRHEA: LAKERS v. SPURS

2009-03-12T14:45:00.000-07:00

A few beers and I are going to be here to live blog the Lakers v. Spurs game @ 5PM PST on TNT. It's our inaugural Live Blog and we've never used this CoverItLive chat program before, so it should be a huge trainwreck/failure. Just think, if you miss it, you'll never have a baseline to judge all future live blogs against, not to mention that the terrorists will release rabid packs of AIDS wolves and herpes-infested rape apes to wreak havoc across the nation (and Canada). Don't let that happen.

Live Blogorrhea: Lakers v. Spurs - 3/12/09

GRAB THE SHAFT FIRMLY AND LET HER RIP

2009-03-12T07:42:00.000-07:00

"The UroClub comes with a towel and appears that you are just checking out your club."

"Gary the pin's in the back...about 150 yards...wind in your face. I'd say it's about a 7-ir--"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

"Um...checking my club?"

"With a towel over half the shaft?"

"Uh..."

"Are you trying to solve a Rubik's cube under there?"

"Just hang on a sec."

"..."

(long exhale)

"Oops. I dropped my towel."

"Are you fucking your 7-iron?"

thanks to Daniel for sharing the UroClub video (which I originally thought was going to be some sort of shitty video about house music, pencil-thin mustaches and sideburns, cigarettes, B.O., and paralyzing amounts of shitty cologne).

SASHA VUJACIC IS DIET SCOLA™

2009-03-11T21:55:00.001-07:00

SASHA VUJACIC

LUIS SCOLA

HEEEEEEY YOOOOOOOY GUUUUUUUUUUYS!!!

2009-03-03T10:09:00.000-08:00

AN INTERVIEW WITH RIMBAU

2009-03-02T16:05:00.000-08:00

DON'T ESS YOUR PEES: THE VIDEO GAME

2009-03-01T12:17:00.000-08:00

Whoops. That part gets me every time.

Are you unsatisfied by the amount of time you spend trying not to shit your pants? Now you can simulate all those memorable cheek-clenching, penguin-walking, cold-sweating, gambling-and-losing, turtle-heading, prairie-dogging, do-or-die moments that you cherish in real life by playing Don't Shit Your Pants: The Video Game.

WEEKEND BLOGORRHEA - GARLIC FRIES AND LOSERDOM

2009-02-28T19:49:00.000-08:00

Trader Joe's Garlic Fries are like hookers--they're pretty awesome where you're all up in them, but you'll smell like them for a few days and feel fairly guilty about what you done did, so plan accordingly. I'm gonna eat more garlic fries.

I spent absolutely all of my 12-hour day yesterday moving into my new place. I think I stopped moving/unpacking for 2 minutes total. Last night, my friend and his fiance (my new neighbors) took me to a great sushi place (a five-minute-walk from here) and filled me with Sriracha, Kirin, and sake. What goes in, must come out. And when that "in" is Sriracha, sake, and a venti red eye, you end up christening your new porcelain throne with a vengeance of a thousand fire-breathing demons. I limped for most of the day today.

Forget the NFL Combine, the Kids section of IKEA is 40 yards of hell. I suppose if you're looking for bright colors, tiny chairs, ear-piercing screams, and a few real-time examples of public child abuse it's pretty awesome, but if you're trying to get the hell out of a retail nightmare, it's the kind of thing that haunts you all day long. Wait, did you just punch your son and push him into stack of throw rugs? Yes, yes you did.

Once I get settled here in the new place, I'll get back to a more consistent (but no less "loser-y") blogging schedule. I've really missed it. Being fairly OCD and moving don't really get along very well, and it certainly doesn't lend itself to semi-coherent blogging.

Adam Carolla posits that one if every 155 shits smells like someone elses. I'd say it's one in 40 at least, and once fart enter the equation, I'd say we're dealing with one in 20. Maybe my colon is schizophrenic though.

I got a serious stink-eye from a middle-aged Asian woman yesterday during my move. I was carrying two very heavy boxes of books stacked on top of each other out to my garage, sweating, unshaven, tattooed, and kinda grunting a little. It was late in the move, I had very little energy, and was clearly overmatched by my cargo, and she stared at me like i was eye raping a dead baby. I think they're gonna like me here.

I have a Trader Joe's, a Game Stop, a Home Depot, legit sushi, a burger joint that serves gourmet burgers & multiple beers on tap within walking distance, one of the biggest outdoor malls in So Cal and the Japanese restaurant that I grew up eating, a five-minute-drive away, and a regulation-sized outdoor basketball court with glass backboards and breakaway rims down the street. Life is good.

In site news, I'm seriously considering putting together a podcast with one of my best friends that I did college radio with for a few years, because we've both been jonesing for an audio medium to relive some of our radio days. If anyone reading this has tips as to how to make that process even easier that it already is, please share them in the comments. I'd like to eventually expand it to having guest podcasters/interviews from/with some of my favorite blogs (if they're willing).

Enjoy the rest of your weekend. I should be fully functional by Monday or Tuesday. Thanks for reading.

EVEN A GAY SQUIRREL FINDS A CORN EVERYONE'S IN A WHALE

2009-02-28T18:46:00.001-08:00

Post title courtesy of Alex Rodriguez.

AN INTERVIEW WITH A GROCERY STORE SCANNER

2009-02-28T15:17:00.000-08:00

I wish MTV would appease me and a tiny cult following of dorks with an odd sense of humor, and release "The Sifl & Olly Show" on DVD so I can ditch these bootlegged VHS-to-DVD rips that I bought on eBay a couple years ago and have a legit copy of a show starring sock puppets. I've spent the past hour chasing my tail (watching clip after clip) on YouTube. The following clip is one of my favorites...

RETURN OF THE LANCE REDDICK FACE

2009-02-26T08:29:00.000-08:00

The Lance Reddick Face made it's return to LOST last night.

"Which one of y'all Tunisian doctor muthafuckas farted in my nose?"

"Mr. Locke...you fartin' in my muthafuckin' Town Car, nigga?"

"Had to open the goddamn window, 'cause 'Latte's make me gassy.' Sheeeeit."

"Bathroom's right across the street there. Go take care of yo business, son."

"Muthafucka takin' all day long up in that tullet."

"Listen, you bust ass up in this Town Car again, I'ma fuck you up."

"Do I look like I'm kiddin', muthafucka?"

"I told you to hold that shit in, Mr. Locke. I ain't fuckin' around."

FWEEEEEEEOOORT...blap...pap...pap...bthpth...chussssssssssss

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssplat.

screencaps respectfully boosted from getlostpodcast.com

PLEASE COME BACK...PLEASE COME BACK...

2009-02-24T20:47:00.000-08:00

BEHOLD, THE ULTIMATE HERMIT'S LAIR

2009-02-24T09:51:00.001-08:00

Sadly, this is not where I'm moving.

Unique Cave Home over 15,000 sf. Beautiful setting

The front chamber houses the main part of the 3-bedroom finished house.

The middle chamber holds the laundry room, storage, and a spare bath. The middle chambe made a great party room. 80 feet by 80 feet.

The back chamber still has the stage where Ted Nugent, Bob Seger, Ike and Tina Turner, the MC5 and many other bands performed.

Property: 2.8 scenic, partially wooded acres provide excellent privacy and the feel of the country right in the middle of town, just several blocks from shopping, dining, and other conveniences.

Energy efficiency: Geothermal and passive solar keep the home comfortable year-round without a furnace or air conditioning. In spite of the vast size of the home, our energy costs here run about the same as they did in our 800 square-foot starter home. The home naturally stays a little cooler than the average above-ground home, but we found that we acclimated quickly and easily.

Kitchen: The kitchen is the crowning jewel of the house, with nearly 400 square feet and a floor plan that lends itself well to cooking for one person, two, or parties of a hundred guests! Some of the features include a customizable Jenn-Air cook top, two convection ovens, Kitchen-Aid triple sink, large island with secondary sink and breakfast bar, and granite tile countertops.

Anyone want to loan me several hundred thousand dollars? I promise you can come over for BBQs, and we'll put a regulation basketball court in that tunnel for weekly pickup games.

A BRIEF DISPATCH FROM THE LAND OF DISARRAY

2009-02-24T07:58:00.000-08:00

I'm moving on Friday, if I don't lose my mind first. My house has been essentially been reduced to a large box filled with many smaller boxes, filled with everything I own (which is fairly little, because when you live out of a suitcase for six-to-eight months a year, you learn how live comfortably without lugging around a bunch of unnecessary garbage). And while it's nice to have almost all of the packing done already, I'm neither here nor there, which has not only my home in transition, but my brain as well.

For the first time in 17 years, I've decided to suck it up (or be a pussy, depending on how you look at it) and hire movers. I've been through enough moving days that have ended in personal injury, the destruction of valuable pieces of home entertainment, or damaging the paint, floor, or carpet at the new place to know that shelling out some money to save my body and possessions from inevitable self-move disasters is a wise move. With my luck, the movers I get will be a duo of ham-handed drunken morons with depth perception problems.

"We accidentally put a racing stripe on your living room wall with the back of the entertainment center."

I was looking at furniture online and found this...

Too bad the red cuffs will clash with the rest of the living room decor.

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Until things get back to normal (or less fucked and disorganized, depending on how you look at it) I will be (and have been) keeping the Twitter updated with the usual textual diarrhea that would usually constitute a "crop-dusting" ramblings post. So if you're interested in more regular brain droppings, consider Twitter your bran flakes, black coffee, and pack of Camel unfiltered cigarettes. Or don't.

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With the 2009 MLB season a little over a month away, Baseball Prospectus has started started sharing their Top 11 Prospects for each organization. The Angels' list came out last week, and #9 made me do a double take...

9. Manuarys Correa, RHP

Manuarys?

Two-for-one drink specials for the month of January at a gay bar, or the name of an Angels prospect?

I NEVER REALIZED HOW MUCH TWIGGY LOOKS LIKE A PENIS

2009-02-23T17:27:00.000-08:00

But this time, he's the one getting fucked.

But wait, there's more.

courtesy of Dave Lozo via Twitter.

SUNK YOU, MY BATTERSHIP

2009-02-23T14:13:00.000-08:00

PHENOMENON: HUNGRY BUTT

2009-02-20T16:48:00.001-08:00

NOM NOM NOM

Here we witness Kim Kardashian's turd cutter aggressively trying to consume a free-flowing dress. Hungry butt usually effects the female gender of the human species whilst wearing dresses, sweatpants, skirts and occasionally a thin pair of gym/running shorts. The all-knowing and 100% reliable Urban Dictionary defines it as such:

When your butt is starved of fresh air and water, and decides to eat your underwear or pants.

Although there is no known cure, treatments include: baby powder, wearing tighter form-fitting clothing, and not having a giant ass.

image respectfully borrowed from WWTDD

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU'D SEEN IT ALL...

2009-02-19T20:19:00.000-08:00

Adam Riff never fails to deliver. I think they've been the sole supplier of the most bizarre and disgusting things I've seen on the internetwebs over the past two years, and yet...I just want to thank them(?). They go above and beyond to find content that shortens the gaps between the times you say, "Whoa. That is the most fucked thing I've ever seen."

Their latest find is totally safe for work, and totally amazing. I'm in tears. Please watch. It's a bit of a time commitment (45 minutes for both parts), but what else are you doing, watching a shitty scripted "reality" show, or an acronym-titled cop drama? NCISCSIERSVU:Fresno?

Part 1:

Watch Married To The Eiffel Tower [Part 1] in Entertainment Videos | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

Part 2:

Watch Married To The Eiffel Tower [Part 2] in Entertainment Videos | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

Enjoy.

IT'S LIKE A ROLLERCOASTER FOR BOOGERS

2009-02-19T17:33:00.003-08:00

3 Important Questions:

a) How does she wipe her ass?

2) How does she masturbate? Like a fencer?

#) Why?

Forgive me. I tweeted, twote, twittened, err...twarted that earlier today, so my brain has been wandering in and out of inconvenient wiping scenarios all day long. I think if we can think of enough people/types of people that have willingly made it next to impossible for themselves to pursue good hygiene, we might have ourselves a reality show.

NIGHTMARE FUEL FOR A THURSDAY EVENING

2009-02-19T10:43:00.000-08:00

Show me a baby with that much hair (especially in those areas), and I'll show you a family and a team of doctors frantically trying to shove it back from where it came.

MULTIPLE CHOICE EXAM: ALEX RODRIGUEZ

2009-02-17T18:22:00.000-08:00

Unless you've "been living in a cave under the ocean", you're aware that Alex Rodriguez is in the midst of a media-administered cavity search after testing positive for banned substances in 2003. The news that he was using (along with many, many others) isn't particularly shocking (albeit disappointing), nor does it really matter to me. I played baseball through college in the mid-to-late 90's (the height of the "steroid era"), and was well aware of the presence of such drugs and had a fair amount of options if I was interested in getting some, which I didn't.

Refocusing...

The truly amazing thing to come out of this situation is that Alex Rodriguez is the master of butchering cliches.

There were two serious gaffes in today's media session. See If you can pick them out of the following quotes (the winner gets a photoshopped picture of Zaza Pachulia's face as my belly button and a pack of Newport 100's):

NO CHEATING! CHEATING IS SOMETHING YOU WHEN YOU ARE 25 and "STUPID" & "NAIVE".

OK, here we go:

a) "I laid my bed, and now I have to sit on it."

You fucked your bed?

b) "You can piss one hand and shit on your mother..."

That's desecration, Holmes.

c) "They say that those who live in glass houses shouldn't grow moss..."

Or masturbate.

d) "The one thing I can lay on my pillow at night is [that I'm good at baseball]..."

e) "It feels like the pot is calling the kettle back."

f) "I didn't want them to think that 'the chicken's in the mail', you know?"

g) "A bird and a ham is worth a Jew in a bush."

Your answers are below. You may turn your computer upside down or do a handstand. Good luck.

p 'ɐ :sɹǝʍsuɐ

UPDATED: IT HAS BEGUN AND WE ARE DOOMED

2009-02-17T08:29:00.000-08:00

WOMAN'S LIFE IN DANGER, AFTER CHIMP ATTACK

Charla Nash, 55, had just arrived at her friend Sandra Herold's house when the chimp, named Travis, jumped on her and began biting and mauling her, causing serious injuries to her face, neck and hands...

She then called 911 before stabbing the chimp with butcher knife and hitting him with a shovel.

Stamford police later shot the chimp multiple times after he attacked an officer inside a police cruiser, Conklin said.

Mauling seniors and attacking cops?

THESE APES ARE RUTHLESS!

God help us. This is war. Interspecial war. Are you ready? Better hit the gym.

"It's often said that an adult chimpanzee weighing in at 150 pounds is three to seven times stronger than a human being"

The days of Lancelot Link (below) and BJ & The Bear are over my friends.

Remember this?

He's luring you in by making you think he's dumb enough to piss in his own mouth, and then-

HE TEARS YOUR FACE OFF AND WEARS IT AS DISGUISE WHILE HE RAPES A CROSSING GUARD!

We made this bed, fellow humans. Now we must sleep in it.

Things may be slow(er) around here as I spend most of my time building an Ape Shelter.

UPDATE: Now, with audio.

I'M NOT SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS

2009-02-14T21:05:00.000-08:00

It's like looking at a photo of the ex-girlfriend. Part of you remembers the good times and is disappointed that they've passed, and the other part of you wants to punch them in the face for not realizing what a great thing they had. The crazy thing is that if Shaq will take a pay cut and come back to L.A. next year, I think they're good for at least a title or two, making them (without question) the best big-man/little-man combo in the hisory of the NBA. I really hate that I like the idea of that happening, but I do...I really, really do.

NOOOOOOO, CONDITIONER IS BETTER...

2009-02-13T13:42:00.000-08:00

I just saw a man at the store that only shaves his eyelids.

THIS IS WRONG ON WAY TOO MANY LEVELS

2009-02-13T08:40:00.000-08:00

If I believed in hell, I'd be afraid that this post would downgrade my already-reserved seat from a Lazy Boy recliner to an ergonomically disastrous office chair, but then I realized that it had 3,088,683 views.

It's gonna be crowded down there. I hope they have enough toilets.

And yeah, I know it's an old clip. Sorry. I haven't seen the entire internet yet. I'm working on it though.

special thanks: E the Guamanian.

SHOWER CONFESSIONS

2009-02-12T21:39:00.001-08:00

Truth: When I was a little kid, I was so excited to watch Airwolf that I shit in the shower because I was worried that if I finished showering, dried off, and took a shit, I'd miss the beginning of the show.

If TiVo was available in the 80's, this disaster could have been averted.

"He says that his most intense sexual experience was "making love" to the helicopter from 1980s TV hit Airwolf."

also related:

my friend Chris is convinced that anything and everything is more exciting if you have to shit--the drive home, the last few pages of a book, a phone conversation, etc. I agree completely, as evidenced in the story above, and in this very po

IT'S ALL POPS AND BUZZES FROM HERE, KID

2009-02-12T08:31:00.000-08:00

Blegth Arthur Moxjilk at 8:16am February 12

ommpthxbyelololo!!!1 hamsnap zippy--- >;P

Lonsueño Pear Szaps at 8:17am February 12

babby? o ya ( ! ) .

Mungus Eugene at 8:16am February 12

heheheheheheheheheheeheehe vundeschute

Pumpernickel Euripides at 8:16am February 12

zoss!!!!!!!! 8=====D ≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

MANTAP

WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

2009-02-11T09:41:00.000-08:00

The following rant was originally scheduled to appear on January 8th, but was aborted before it could be posted. After reading Hugo's blog today , I thought I'd try to reanimate the fetus, for better or worse.

If you live on the West Coast, that howling vortex of idiocy you heard coming from L.A. this afternoon, was Tom Leykis having a "discussion" with Carlos Mencia on 97.1 FM. Fuck me, for listening to Carolla this morning, I guess. Turned the car on, and there it was. Verbal Brain Rape. Luckily, I only caught about 30 seconds of this tandem blow-jobby, two-straws-in-one-drink of suck, but what I caught in those 30 seconds was plenty of fodder for my brain to twist itself in vitriolic knots for the remainder for the afternoon.

And now I vent a little...

From what I've heard of Leykis (about an hour's worth of airtime in the past 10 years, all on accident--and yes, I know, small sample size), he's a fat chauvinistic pile of shit that rails on and on (in the most cliche of cliche "radio" voices ever) about how horribly he treats women, how awesome he is at doing "guy" stuff (which is apparently throwing your penis into anything with a fold big enough to fit your herpes niblet, no-strings-attached), and how he's got life (and especially dating) all figured out. Take a moment and look at that guy in the photo above. There isn't a chance in hell that he's seen a passable vagina that he hasn't paid for in...well, EVER, but somehow, he's getting paid to fill airtime and amass a legion of mouth-breathing fucktards that think he's preaching the single man's gospel for FIVE hours a day. It's madness.

When you combine Leykis' retardery with Mencia (note: the well documented bullshit that he's built his sham of a career on top of by ripping off far better comedians) put them in the same booth, and let them huff each other's cranks for however long, you're in for a cataclysmic clusterfuck. How does this seem like a good idea to anyone?

It's baffling to me that these two guys are as successful as they are, when their vehicle to success is just their apparent "ability" to spout absolute garbage and/or someone else's schtick when someone puts a mic in front of them. It's scary that they have the opportunity daily. It's scary that they have a massive public forum to promote apathy, infidelity, and chauvinism. And it's fucking terrifying that there are so many people out there that actually enjoy listening to two goons with zero redeeming qualities, do what they do.

UNFORTUNATELY, THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED

2009-02-09T08:41:00.000-08:00

GET AWAY FROM HIM, YOU MONGOLOID DISNEYBOTS!

YOU'LL CONTAMINATE HIM!

This just goes to show, that when it looks like a trainwreck on paper, it'll be an even bigger trainwreck in the flesh.

I was raised in a house that had Stevie Wonder records in regular rotation on the record player. Last night, in that very same house, my family watched one of our musical heroes share the stage with a trio of untalented, miming, unibrowed hacks masturbation-fuel for 11-year-old girls. As the song started, we sat there in stunned silence. Then, our facial expressions looked like something you'd see on a person watching a monkey fuck a honeybaked ham. And once Gonad Jonas biffed the lyrics to "Superstition", that's when the screaming at the television started, followed by maniacal laughter. Someone, somewhere, thought this was a good idea.

SW: "Very superstitious, writings on the wall..."

JB#3: "Oh, baby!"

SW: "Get outta my ear, Slim Goodbody."

JB #1: "Mind if I take this, Stevie?"

SW: "C'mon, Nick...do it!"

JB #1: "Berahoopabebbi..."

Music fans across the world: (sad face)

SW: "Aw, now you done fucked it up, son."

JB #2: (unintelligible grunting noises one might make when stricken with explosive diarrhea)

JB # 1: "Show us what you got, Stevie!"

SW: "22 Grammy Awards and the respect and admiration of multiple generations of musicians and music fans."

WHAT'S IN A NAME? VOL. 5: ROBERT MANDINGO

2009-02-07T20:21:00.000-08:00

This...is Robert Mandingo, a SG at Compton Dominguez High School.

This... is Mandingo, the 1975 movie, about the story of a slave owner in the 1840s that trains one of his slaves to be a bare-knuckle fighter.

THIS... is Mandingo, the pornstar, with the the most colossal weinery of all-time (NSFW).

THIS...is the name change form for the state of California.

TRADE ANALYSIS: VLAD RADMANOVICH FOR JD SAMSON OF LE TIGRE AND A GUY NAMED SHANNON

2009-02-07T13:03:00.000-08:00

Le Tigre

Staying true to form (their recent tradition of trading for Michael Jordan's first-round draft pick busts), the Lakers shipped snowboarder/space cadet/Euro-forward, Vladimir Radmanovich, to the Charlotte Bobcats for Adam Morrison and Shannon Brown.

Le Morrison

It's addition by subtraction. The Lakers just cut bait on a guy who was being overpaid to underperform, and whose dunderheaded play and questionable work ethic never seemed to vibe with Phil Jackson and Kobe Bryant. They gain a guy who looks like a girl who looks like a guy, and a guy who looks like a guy but has a girl's name.

Hopefully will Morrison benefit from a change of scenery, and Brown will use his limited minutes to pick up the slack when Jordan Farmar and Sasha Vujacic have off nights. Morrison is going to have to spend the rest of this year and next to play his way out of a one-way ticket to a basketball career in Europe. Maybe Phil and Co. can shake him up a bit a get him to realize his potential. Or maybe he'll just continue to flounder (and cry), and end up being $5mil+ off the books after the 2010 season.

Note to my regular readers: Rest assured, despite the recent influx of ham-handed commenters and basketball-related posts, this isn't turning into a hoops blog. It's just been a hoops-heavy weekend. Back to our regularly scheduled Hermitology© on Monday.

YAO MING AND CHRIS DUHON PHOTOSHOOT

2009-02-06T18:37:00.000-08:00

Why are Yao Ming and Chris Duhon posing for photos together? And why is Duhon so overdressed?

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

2009-02-05T21:56:00.001-08:00

That. Is. A. Clean. Block.

Bailouts are for banks and automakers, not basketball teams.

Get in line behind the porn industry, Massholes.

I SEE YOU WEAR BRACES. I WEAR BRACES TOO.

2009-02-05T14:36:00.000-08:00

respectfully boosted from AE @ EightO'ClockTheLightsAreOnAtShea

THE BOSS WOULD LIKE TO CORDIALLY INVITE YOU...

2009-02-01T19:59:00.000-08:00

to wear a face full of Dirty Jersey satchel. It was a move, so invasive, I could taste the boss's balls in my salsa.

THE SUSPECT WAS FOUND RUNNING IN A WHEEL

2009-01-31T11:19:00.000-08:00

courtesy of Dave Holmes @ American Aquarium Drinker.

NO. NO YOU DO NOT.

2009-01-30T19:41:00.000-08:00

Further proof that all you need is a tired beat, fake horns, and a hook containing the "Do dat"/I can/I know howta + verb of your choice (repeated ad nauseum) and you've got yourself an audience. :/

It also sounds like he says "I know how to surf" x 785435795 followed by "AIDS".

This is next-level shit. Surfing diseases. Half-naked dudes rapping in strip mall parking lots.

Recognize.

courtesy of Surfing Magazine via Chandler J.

RANDOM BLAHBLAHS FOR A THURSDAY

2009-01-29T08:27:00.000-08:00

The current state of my brain.

Sorry. Shit's been busy around here. I'm moving next month, haven't found a place yet, and have been scouring craigslist (to the point that the rental properties page has burned itself into my retinas), digging through the rental classifieds, hitting up every realtor's web site I can find, and driving around rubbernecking at every "FOR RENT" sign I see. So much so, that any rectangular sign with a red background and white lettering boosts my heart rate and has me reaching for a pen and a Post-It note.

OOOOH! THAT ONE L-damn it.

OH, BUT THERE'S ONE OVER TH-bah.

WAIT...THIS ONE LOOKS AWES-
fuck it.

This too, shall pass.

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There are a couple of Bradford Pear trees in my neighbor's yard that are in full bloom. There's another in the neighbor's yard on the other side of the house. If you've ever been in the vicinity of one Bradford Pear tree, you're aware how pungent those little white flowers are. If you haven't, you're lucky. I'm surrounded by these botanical accidents, all bursting with an overpowering scent that can best be described as "cummy". Yup. Just like your mother's breath, gay farts, or the sock next to your bed. And the worst part about it is that it's everywhere. It has nullified the concept of "stepping outside for a breath of fresh air", unless your idea of "a breath of fresh air" is "sniffing a hooker's underpants".

I'm curious as to how someone would decide that the Bradford Pear tree is a good landscaping choice.

"We like what you've done in the yard so far, but my wife and I would like a few trees back there for the kids to climb, and to provide a little shade."

"How about a sycamore? The leaves change pretty colors in fall."

"Nah. Too many leaves to pick up."

"Maybe a pine tree?"

"The kids are allergic to pine pollen."

"Eucalyptus? It's an evergreen, and a pretty popular choice in these parts."

"We want something that will flower in the spring."

"Well, there's the Bradford Pear, but it's flowers smell like a jack shack or the lab coat of a clumsy assistant at a sperm clinic."

"Ooh. We'll take two of those."

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Try this David Lee Roth-themed Asteroids game.

Ten minutes of your life you'll never get back, courtesy of [thesugar sheet].

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One of my best friends was born in South Africa and his folks speak in pretty heavy South African accents. I spent a good amount of time at their house as a kid, so I picked the accent up pretty quickly. If you're unfamiliar with it, or need a refresher, watch this...

*no need to watch the entire video, unless you're into whipped meat encased in intestines.

The accent has the ability to make just about anything sound funny, so we use it pretty regularly in conversation. While have no desire to see Paul Blart: Mall Cop (which apparently makes me a part of the minority, since it's inexplicably been the #1 movie in America for the last two weeks), the movie's title is a South African tongue twister...which might only be funny to my friend and I. It popped into my head while I was sitting in traffic the other day, which led to me screaming it at the top of my lungs, over and over, and laughing like a mad man (probably because I'm losing my mind...or maybe because it's funny).

OHLRAAHT, OHLRAAHT! WE GONNA GO SEE POHL BLOT: MULL CUP, CHEWNAAHT!!!

yeah. i'm losing it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was listening to Shiner's "The Egg" as I typed this and kept hearing the buzzing of a fly, and thought to myself, "Weird. I wonder why they sampled the sound of a fly buzzing for this record...and used it in multiple songs."

Then I realized I had that Paul Blart: Mall Cop link that I posted above, open in another tab.

I need to step outside for a breath of fresh air.

SINCE WE'RE ON THE TOPIC OF AUDIO RAPE

2009-01-26T09:39:00.000-08:00

Enjoy.

THIS IS THE WORST RADIO AD OF ALL-TIME

2009-01-26T09:02:00.000-08:00

Click play and ignore the images and text. The audio is what's important.

Hear it once and it's creepy, haunting, flat, hokey, and annoying.

Hear that ad anywhere from two to four times an hour on local talk and sports talk radio for about three hours a day and it'll make you want boycott radio completely, fire a nail gun into your ear canal, or do a swan dive off a freeway overpass. And I can guarantee you'll never "donate your car today" just out of spite.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZIP

2009-01-26T08:20:00.000-08:00

I'm no fashion expert (evidenced by the fact that my wardrobe rarely exceeds a plain t-shirt and jeans), but as far as I'm concerned, zippers that are any larger than five inches are for hoodies, duffel bags, and tent doors. And if you can tuck your ~~career builders~~ tits into the same pocket you car keys are in, your waistline is probably too high, which would explain why you'd need two belts to hold those Mom Jeans up.

2009 SAG AWARDS: KNEEL BEFORE STREEP

2009-01-25T22:50:00.000-08:00

THIS MORNING'S DILEMMA

2009-01-25T09:30:00.001-08:00

I'm going to a birthday party for 1-year-old twins today.

a) Why did I buy a birthday card for two little creatures that can't read?
b) What am I supposed to write in said card?

It's like buying a card for a dog.

THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND: VOL. 10-BATTLE METAL

2009-01-24T20:59:00.000-08:00

I was wandering the interwebs, and came across this banner ad.

Battle Metal? Huh?

Really?

KNOW HOW I KNOW YOU'RE GAY?

2009-01-23T21:49:00.000-08:00

WHAT'S IN A NAME? VOL. 5

2009-01-23T08:52:00.000-08:00

Can you find the brand of bottled water hasn't been used as a woman's name yet?

THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND: VOL. 9-FISH LOINS UPDATE

2009-01-22T18:27:00.000-08:00

Per Merriam-Webster's Dictionary:

loins:

Pronunciation: \ˈLÒIN\
Function: noun
(2) plural a: the upper and lower abdominal regions and the region about the hips

b (1): the pubic region (2): the reproductive organs

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a) Fish have hips?

b) If the answer to (a) is "no", do I really want to eat this?

c) update, below...

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UPDATE: I baked these "loins" with garlic butter, salt and pepper, and finished them with a little lemon juice, and they were awesome. Pass the nards, I'm having seconds.

COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU

2009-01-22T08:32:00.000-08:00

PARTIAL MARSHAL

57% Man, 100% Justice

An in-depth look at the life and times of U.S. Marshal and double amputee, Marshall Chowderbank. Despite his obvious physical shortcomings, and a debilitating case of restless phantom limb, Chowderbank developed into one of the most revered Marshals in U.S. History. He fought crime, riding sidecar, flanked by his sidekick and one true love, Mitzi Borple-Hemmingname--a reformed lesbian with Proteus Syndrome.

Together, they changed the way a nation looked at law enforcement...pants...and motorcycles.

Apart, a criminal underworld threatened the safety of us all.

This is their story.