THIS WEEK IN PERVERTS: A 2-FOR-1 SPECIAL

I get it.  People have fetishes.  Some people like boobs, or butts, or feet.  Some people like or pee pee, or poop, or farm animals.  And some people like bondage, or role-playing, or having sex with a famous helicopter.  Wait, what?

From adamriff.com, comes the story of Edward Smith, who claims to have had sex with over 1000 cars.

Here's where the story gets infinitely ridiculous though...

But his wandering eye has spread beyond cars to other vehicles. He says that his most intense sexual experience was "making love" to the helicopter from 1980s TV hit Airwolf.

Oooh!  Look at that propeller!  Look at those cavernous intakes! 

Thanks for forever tainting the memories of my favorite TV childhood show, you sick fuck.

When asked for comment, Jan Michael Vincent said, "Murm murm bleurgh uh sess uh hecka lopter murm murm zzzz."

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In other sick and perverted news, WWTDD, found yet another way to make me throw up my breakfast in my mouth, by uncovering this photo of Myth Busters host, Adam Savage, successfully busting the myth that "a seemingly well-adjusted person would never take a picture of his own asshole".

Myth.  Busted.

DEEP THOUGHTS

Whenever I see someone wearing sunglasses indoors, I immediately think they're an asshole...or blind.

MY NEW FAVORITE T-SHIRT

Wizards and baseball. Together at last.

A COUPLE, TWO, TREE TINGS RIGHT QUICK

image respectfully jacked from The Superficial

MEN: Do you hear that? It's the sound of your penis deflating.

WOMEN: Congratulations. You feel pretty today.

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"DEXTER" - SEASON 3 PREVIEW- By day, he's a steakheaded reserve guard/forward who picks up almost as many personal fouls as he does buckets, and still has a NBA job because he plays in Utah. By night, he's an asexual serial killer.

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I went to Wrigley Field for the first time on Saturday and sat here*:

*Please note the location of the right field foul line

Then, I overheard this conversation between a forty-something year-old douche with a popped collar, and his equally douchey (but slightly more aware) friend:

"Whoa, we could totally catch a home run here! We shoulda brought our gloves."

"No. No we can't, and no we shouldn't have. See that giant yellow pole there (points to the RF foul pole)?"

"Oh."

*sigh

Cubs fans. Wow. I'd guess that 50% of the 41,000 (especially in the bleachers) in attendance at Saturday's game had no idea who the Cubs were playing, what the score was, what inning it was, or what the count was, at any point during the game. The loudest cheers of the day came when a marriage proposal (between two people who should never procreate) was accepted in the bottom of the ninth inning with the Cubs down 7-6. Nice timing, ding dong.

I had my first Old Style at 11AM, after a pretty solid sales pitch from the beer guy:

"Old Style! You ready? You ready? Build the foundation for an amazing day. It all starts right here."

I look at my watch. "Yeah, I guess I'm ready. Let's build that foundation."

Apparently, in Chicago, "amazing" means "getting the worst sunburn of your life, farting all night because of Wrigley Dogs and Old Style, and getting called a faggot by 'Cubs Fans' falling out of Gingerman's Tavern at 2 AM" because that's what happened. And the foundation for that was an Old Style, so fuck that beer, fuck that beer guy, and fuck drunk Cubs fans.

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Worst album title ever. Isn't it "flavours" in Canadianese?

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I'm home in 10 days, and that should put an end to the reruns and half-assed garbage posts of the past five weeks. I live in a box on wheels for fuck's sake. Cut me some slack.

THE WEEK IN PHOTOS

WORCESTER, MA: Any Viking worth his weight in pfennigs, knows that the best way to blow off a little steam is to get shit-housed, enslave some leprechauns, slay some mentally impaired dragons, and behead the little mermaid.

CLIFTON PARK, NY: The sequel to 1993's Schindler's List, Schindler's Elevator tells the tale of 11 gassy Jews trapped in an elevator for three days. Michael Bay is rumored to be the director.

PONTIAC, MI: Insane Clown Posse fans.  Impeccable taste in music, leads to incredible artistic achievement.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MOMS!!!

Dear Mom,

Thanks for ruining your mid-20's by letting me grow in your belly for 9 months, gaining 50 lbs in the process.

Thanks for letting me ruin the elasticity of your vagina as I tried to enter the world. Sorry, Dad.

Thanks for opting for a C-section so I wasn't born with a conehead. Sorry about the scar.

Thanks for changing my diapers (circa 1979), and dealing with my shit (literally).

Thanks for putting up with me for 33 years. I owe you one a million.

As a token of my appreciation and gratitude, I would like you to have some flowers that will die in a few days and will be one more thing that I've left laying around the house that you have to clean up.

...

your son,

ernest riles

FLAWLESS EXECUTION

Sorry for the lack of posts lately.  I'd like to formally blame the Northeast United States, for a lack of posting fodder; my brain, for being wrapped up in other things; the Lakers and their dominance, for being a distraction; Fantasy Baseball, for eating up most of my computer-time on the road; grammar and punctuation, for being confusing (that English degree is really paying off--thanks college!); and your mother, for being your mother.

I spent the day in NYC on Monday, and had the misfortune opportunity to be a witness to a near flawless execution of a classic prank.

There were about 12 of us in a passenger van heading to Little Italy for dinner.  Someone in the middle seat is looking at photos that he took during the day, so naturally every hovers around, looking over his shoulder,  to see the pics.

These are not the real pictures, but you'll get the idea...

"That's a good one."

"Hey, the Brooklyn Bridge.  That's a great shot."

"Cool.  Chinatown."

"That's a nice one too."

"Uh..."

"What the fuck?"

"Whose balls are those?"

Groans turn into laughter as the camera is passed around so everyone can get a closer look.  And all the while, the only party disinterested in the photos is staring out the van window trying his hardest not to laugh.

Don't leave that camera laying around, friends.

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In case you were wondering what Menudo has been up to lately...



They're on tour with NLT, Glowb, and Factory. It's SUPER GAY BANDEMONIUM!!!

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"Your bus has a...uh, wrapper on it."



"A rapper?"



"Yeah, that too."